First Stop to Regulation: Co-regulation

I probably don’t need to tell you that children have big emotions when things don’t go their way. They are learning and developing, and understanding emotions is one of the things that’s getting acquired along the way. Before children can regulate their own emotions, they need some support to learn how to calm down. This is what mums and other caregivers are for! We call regulating with another person “co-regulation.” But what are some ways for us to support co-regulation? Let’s discuss this in more detail.

If you have a child that does not speak, you’ll have to use their behaviour as a guide. And I don’t just mean to look at their behaviour in behavioural terms, I mean you’ll have to examine their arousal states and what stimulates or calms their arousal. Another thing to consider is what sensory factors there are. Does your child seek or avoid sensory input? Which types are they seeking or avoiding, this information is going to help you when you are trying to co-regulate because you can use these sensory inputs to assist. You’ll also want to empathise with the child from the information you can gather. Begin talking about what is “too much” or how they might be feeling to empathise with them.

If a child is more likely to have a discussion with you, then this next paragraph may be helpful for you. As discussed above, behaviours, sensory input and empathising about feelings will help you co-regulate. Often I see caregivers stop here, but children will benefit from a bit more integration of why they are feeling upset. Now, you can try to extend on these things by identifying what is making the child upset from their perspective!

For example, let’s say that a child, Mark, is playing with her toy elephant and will throw toys on occasion, particularly this elephant that may hurt him or his bigger brother if thrown. Mum has done the hard work of letting him know the boundary, “if you throw toys, it’s going to be put away until you are ready for it.” Mark continues to play and eventually throws the toy. Mum steps in and tells Mark, “I’m putting the elephant away for a while.” Mark begins to cry and runs to his room. Instead of reflecting back his feelings by saying “you’re frustrated,” mum should also extend on this and say, “you were playing with your toy, and I took it.” Mark then knows that you understand what has made him upset from his point of view.

So now we all know some co-regulation techniques, and it is going to be your first stop when your child gets upset! Let us know how your child is co-regulating and what other things have helped you along your way!